Paul Sheldon - got the name from a movie. I don't know if he's fictional, but he inspired me to write in the middle of the night like a psycho probably would. My brother-in-law keeps asking me about my relationship status; if I ever consider dating others or get attracted to others; if the bond or the love keeps getting stronger between me and Alex; if I ever plan to be together with him forever. You know stuff that I, for the record, know has a hidden agenda. I know they want the best for me, and I know what makes me happy. So at the end of the day, I get to choose what I do with my life and they know that. Whatever they say, whatever happens, I am responsible for my actions and my decisions.
I'm not sure if we're okay so I didn't really know what to say. Yet I managed to say "..we're okay..i think." with hopes that we really are, you know what I'm sayin? But at this point of time I don't know anymore... I try to avoid asking myself the question if this is really worth fighting for. I don't like thinking about the future but when I try I don't see anything. It's like this whole fantasy will never be walled down! I don't like not being there to see him happy, what he does, cheer him up when he's lonely; I can't even do anything to just talk to him or reach out to make up when I did something awful. It's like, ..how can I friggin show him everything I wanna show him when all I could do is come on facebook and tell myself it's okay when it doesn't FEEL okay! :'( I, feel so.. helpless. I don't even know what to write anymore to make him feel how I wanted him to feel or make him see what I saw or imagine what I experienced - it's all falling down on me now and I can't help but cry 'cause I know deep in this stupid heart that it's going to hurt me so bad if I let it go. :'(
Or maybe I'm just scared of getting hurt. Maybe I'm not really scared of losing him. I've lost men in my life several times and it wouldn't be new, right? Men will always have enough power to make any woman cry. You know a lot of people would tell me how I shouldn't be too trusting with my man, they'd even advice me not to settle down. I see people and friends with the same sitch, do it and play stupid games of love. And seriously, I have all the chances in the world to friggin take that in but I just CAN'T DO IT! It's... I don't wanna do it.. There are so many beautiful guys out there in my outer lining, so many of em I can choose to be together with..and yet why don't I ever let em in? It's just not my way of having fun. x( But being together..with someone..it's..crappy sometimes. When you don't agree with one thing, you don't like the same thing and nobody wants to give way, when you have misunderstandings, when you long for that someone to share some talks with but you-just-don't-have-the-fucking-way-to-do-it. How can it work this way?? Can anybody tell me??! x'( God this is so frustrating. Just how?? How is it going to work this way?!
I'm just so confused right now.. :'( so confused I don't know what to do about this. All I know is I had to let it all out otherwise it was gonna kill me. I know I love him.. But I'm not sure if that is even enough. Sometimes it's just not enough...
x'(
