Temporary High

My brother-in-law said he noticed me happy tonight. He stated that since this morning I’ve been cheery and whatsoever. I held a question in my head then, “what could’ve made him think that?” I’m normally an endearing type, to mom, to sissy, to my nephew especially. They probably can attest to my loud “lambing” noises around the house. But the thing that struck me most is the remark being so opposite to how I really feel at present.

I’m kind of sad. I’m all about a job I no longer appreciate, a routine that’s making me sick, univ works that I already want to finish. All my friends left, a few still here are just as busy. My boyfriend and I, we’ve been on the rocks lately. All this make me feel like a beggar for love and attention. A beggar for someone or something that can take me to where I can breathe for a while again. Someone or something that can remind me of reasons to smile.

You know, this depression is really getting bigger and bigger inside me. And I can’t blame anybody but myself because they shouldn’t be responsible of me. I am the one who has the problem, and I can’t point my finger at them for every little mistake I see them do. And what it feels like, it feels like in this big world I’m this little lonely girl stuck in this corner hating her miserable world.

On relationships, I suggest girls don’t complain to their boyfriends otherwise they’ll think you’re obsessed with them. Oh well, I may be complaining but I’m not obsessed with my boyfriend. Perhaps I can’t explain in details here on why I’m sure of that, but what the hell. It’s not like the world is running out of men. But sometimes they’re just so complicated. Moreover, men, more often than not, expect you to always understand them.

Perhaps I can no longer expound more on what I think about my relationship. I’ve endured the challenges for 3 years of trying to make a long distance relationship work. I can cry more but this too is only temporary. Who is certain of what lies ahead? I guess no one. How do you know he’s the one for you? You won’t. I guess there will come a point when you’d just want to settle down and move forward.

 Sometimes I wish I was just unfeeling. You know? A happy-go-lucky who doesn’t care too much about things. But I’m not, I’m an emotional whore. Every little detail matters to me. Every little ounce weigh more than it’s supposed to be. Every little point has the power to move me. I don’t want to try to change people for me, nor control them of how I want them to treat me. I just hoped they cared enough to stand by me.

My boyfriend probably thinks I’m a freak. He feels like I want to be the only thing in his life and that I want him to just focus on me. I don’t think I ever demanded anything in this relationship except for his time and attention. If I complained, perhaps I wasn’t getting enough. He’s always had much from me and from his people over there. And so he’s never lacking. That’s how different our worlds are.

Back then it was like he’s the only person in my world. There was a time I prioritized him more than anything. But I’ve learned, I’ve seen it, and people made me realize it wasn’t supposed to be like that. Above all, it made me realize I should leave space for myself, my needs and my happiness too. I am not going to complain no more, I am not going to seek his attention. Let me test myself how far I can endure.

I am on the search for happiness. Although I know I shouldn’t be as it should come from within. I also believe you get them free from temporary highs. So far they work for me. I’m not a princess but they make me feel as beautiful. I’m not a celebrity but they’re eager to know my story. I’m no walking diary but they share memories with me. Well they’re not there all the time but yes they make me feel happy.