*End of the Line

All alone I wait for you
As darkness fill this room
I don't know why you ain't called
Little things you used to do
They're no longer part of you
Seems you left them all behind

Well I can't believe
What I'm going through
This thing it just ain't right
Your selfish ways
How you carry on
Some things you just can't hide

If you want me to go,
then say it
Want me to stay,
then show it
Don't be afraid
Oh, don't break this heart of mine
Now's the time
If i'm right
Then we've come to the end of the line

Seems like I can't do you right
All I do or say is wrong
All the smallest things criticized
I deserve some damn respect
Nothing more and nothing less
Don't pretend everything's fine

Don't hold it back if it's in your heart
Stand up and be a man
Can't read your mind so I just say loud
I'm trying to understand

If you want me to go,
then say it
Want me to stay,
then show it
Don't be afraid
Oh, don't break this heart of mine
Now's the time
If i'm right
Then we've come to the end of the line

Even though you've been doin' me wrong
I still care
Do you think that by treating me cruel
that somehow I’d disappear?
Baby I love you too much just too walk away
Don't make me hate you
Baby you've got to be straight

If you want me to go,
then say it
Want me to stay,
then show it
Don't be afraid
Oh, don't break this heart of mine
Now's the time
If i'm right
Then we've come to the end of the line.

*cOLd As yOu

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

*Re-reconstruction*

Reconstruction from the hurricane

Overwhelming joy drove me insane

Thought I’d never ask for more

It felt a lot better than before

Then you came along and took me

Everything perfect, everything free

But now why don’t I feel right?

Nothing seems to be the way they used to be

And things have changed

I guess people too

I feel it now, do you feel it too?

If I ever make it through

It’ll be a re-reconstruction

Rebuilding a path to where I should go

Remaking the past is stupid I know

Thought I’d never really ask for more

It was a whole lot better before

And now you are a part of my story

Everything happy, you told me you love me

But why does it feel different?

Nothing seems to be easy and they used to be

I guess things have changed

And people too

I see it now, do you see it too?

If we ever make it through

It’ll be a re-reconstruction

Remember you said we fit together

Right now I just want you more than ever

Thought I will be asking for more

But you are still better than before

When you came along and caught me

It’s all I ever want it to be

Now why don’t I feel right?

Can we go back to where it used to be?

Things have changed

And people too

I know it now, do you know it too?

That if I ever make it through

I will need a re-reconstruction

If I ever make it through,

With or without you

It’s a re-reconstruction.

Jet Lag

What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything
Back at home you feel so far
Waitin' for the phone to ring
It's gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down
I don't even wanna be in this town
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin' me crazy

You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's driving me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

What time is it where you are?
Five more days and I'll be home
I keep your picture in my car
I hate the thought of you alone
I've been keepin' busy all the time
Just to try to keep you off my mind
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jet lagged

I miss you so bad
I wanna share your horizon
I miss you so bad
And see the same sun rising
I miss you so bad
Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.

You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss when you say good morning
But it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged

Letter 66 <:Received:>

Dear Leslie,

I know that you will not be surprised to hear from me again. How have you been? I never heard about you lately and I know you know what I mean when I ask you that. You don’t tell me anything, but I feel it. I feel your doubts and fears. I’ve been good, that’s what I thought, but I’m quite bothered about you. I want you to be honest. Tell me, are you troubled? I want to be able to help you face everything if you let me. It’s easy to say but if I’m there who knows I might just be able to take that spear out of your chest. Please, trust me.

I do not mean to sound poetic again and all that. All I want is for you to take my hand and try to hang in there. Who am I to say this alright but it has to start somewhere, right? Leslie, think about how you feel right now, with everything that’s happening around you, in general. Think about the people whether they hurt you, make you happy, ignored you, partied with you, everything! Then tell me, is everything okay?

I am not trying hard to be a therapist or something ;) but the smiles in your pictures tell me a lot. Is it really that bad? You can always find an easier way out you know. If you’re at the edge, I’m not suggesting you jump off but you can leave. If you can’t make it go away, just walk away from it. Is it this time you weigh things so hard and not find any answer at all? Do you feel you are alone? Well you need to make a stand. You know you can always give it up. Give up the things you feel you need the least. It may be hard, but you see it’s true, we are alone. As a person with your own thinking you will need to make your own decision. Why should you care about the obstructions? They won’t care about you! Hehe

You can always keep everything if you feel you are not ready. You will need to keep your lines and your doors open. Yes the lines are necessary. Haha Better things may come your way and you never know when. Take everything! I’m sure the others are doing the same so why be left behind? Get what I mean? ;) I’m sure you do. You’re one of the smartest I have met.

But I actually don’t understand why you need to prolong the agony. Everybody else in this world is living their lives. What are you waiting for? No, why are you waiting? From what I see, this is the root to your depression right now. But I hope you realize that nobody is going to wait for you. Not even those closest to you believe me. That’s how I see your situation. And why the hell are other people becoming bases of how you will make your choices in life?? Leslie, never ever attach yourself with anything else but yourself and the people you know will be there all the way through thick and thin and you know who they are. You know what you’re doing? You’re trying to swerve every bump thinking you can get away when you know you’re heading to that same big bump eventually. If you don’t find it healthy why should you go on? Sometimes you just have to accept things as they are. It will not always be what you imagine them to be you know. You should probably stop watching too much movies or whatever? ;)

I don’t know how else I can cheer you up, but hey, I tried. ;) Do what you want, for goodness’ sake, Les. Stop thinking about other people! Think about yourself instead! Think about me, too! Haha. But I’m serious. I can’t tell you to ‘be happy’, but try to look at the beautiful things in your life at present. Ah the things of your reach, in particular. If you don’t have enough power to go beyond then don’t push it. Be contented, be patient. I think you are no longer enjoying the present because you worry too much about tomorrow. You can also consider coming to me and I know I just know it’s really awkward don’t deny that and yes I’m sure you will deny that. I hope you figure out that’s how people get messed up sometimes – denying. And you better know that regrets always follow. Haha. Too shy, too scared, too coward, too insensitive, too unprepared, too laid-back, too slow, too many excuses people have! Well I hope you write back or something.

-

Fly Butterfly - October 07, 2011

And the tears fell again as I walk on board the plane back for home.

Memories immediately flash like a light speed.

Now I’m alone again, and I hate that, sitting alone. I got used to having him around.

Those weeks were special.

And all I can do is accept the fact that we’re probably one of those lovers who may have met at the wrong place and the wrong time.

Or are we?

I never liked that feeling…walking away from him.

I mean, who would? I feel so alone right now.

Saying goodbye is really a big time sucker.

But the holidays have ended and now I’m bound to move on again, see what’s next, and plan ahead.

These people, they don’t know how I feel right now. They don’t see my heart hurting.

They have no idea I’m crying of how hard it is to leave someone dear to me back there.

It’s such a struggle to be in a long distance relationship.

“It’s sad, so sad; it’s a sad, sad situation…and it’s getting more and more absurd…”

This empty seat beside me, he could’ve been in it. So I can lay in his arms to sleep once more.

I miss him so bad already.

And now taking off I look back once more to watch those tiny little landscape and moving cars below.

He could be somewhere there, while I fly away to deal with responsibilities.

I could’ve been with him, but life is a sucker sometimes.

So I guess it will be this way for now.

I can’t even feel like sleeping. I’ve lost the feeling of security.

And I don’t know when I will see him again…the most fucked up feeling.

This is even worse than the first time. And yet I gotta warn myself that there will be more.

When I get home, I know the first thing I will see is my bedroom which will then again remind me of him sweeping in to my door.

Right now there’s nothing else I wanna do than have him in my arms; nothing else I wanna wish for than to be with him; nowhere else I wanna be than beside him.

I’ll keep the faith for now that someday there’ll be a time for us; that someday we’ll be together without the distance between us…

This morning when I wake I gave him so many kisses. How can they not be enough?

Now I can take one more shot just to kiss him again. His lips in mine, how I long for that.

Tonight we’ll be sleeping alone…it’s a matter of getting used to it again, I know.

The Story of Us

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say, "They're the lucky ones."
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you say you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.

FUEL - Marit Larsen

FUEL - Marit Larsen

The fuel to write
To burn, to stay alive
To stand and wait
It takes fuel to light the tiniest star, and fuel to start a fire

The fuel to win
To dare to keep the rhythm
The courage to trust
It takes fuel to take the leap, to keep the pace, to start the engines

I get it from you
I get it from you

It takes fuel to walk the line, to put one foot in front of the other
It takes fuel to turn the wheels, to keep the grace to still discover

I get it from you
I get it from you
I get it from you

Under the Surface - Marit Larsen

I am quite surprised of myself having these M2M moods lately and I didn't know why but yea maybe, because of the memories I get. Those were the days. And those two girls are talented. I remember thinking Marion Raven was prettier and all that.. and those Norweigan girls made it in the US! Somehow, the same instinct led me down to browse on them again today. Always had the soft heart for song-writers and I think, I just think, that I'm falling for a new talent.. Marit Larsen. Don't get me wrong, she is not my type of music, but her lyrical scope gets into my soul and draws that smile in my lips. Her voice, soothing, probably the Norah Jones/Chantal Kreviazuk/Jewel-type, calm and friendly. She comes down naturally with her talent: piano/guitar skills and her ability to twist the words on those lyrics better than other English writers. It gets me to that same old mood I'm in when I write my own. Mixed feelings of content, tearfulness, love, and inspiration. It brings out my emotions, unfortunately. But then it makes me feel good. So this I wanna share, just one part of Larsen's music. (To see video, click on the title of the song.)

Under the Surface

It's such a funny sensation to be
So happy that you wanna die
Promises always were crazy to me
But never was I so surprised

Minutes are longer when we are apart
Your presence's more than I can handle
It's come to the point where I wonder if I
Could ever be luckier when

Suddenly I'm back at the core
Thinking of her who had you before
Were you as good
As good as we are
Do you remember?
Did you love her the way you love me?
Is there a chance that there might be
Traces of her that you carry under the surface?

Lend me your ears, I would like to confess
I'm doubting that you can be real
By your side wearing a beautiful dress
I celebrate how good it feels

Say that you love me, say that it's true
I know that I want to believe you
But somehow silence speaks louder than words
I'm worried she's still on your mind

Mmm... I know that I'm selfish
I know that it's bad
I know, but it's driving me mad
It's driving me mad

Under the surface
Under the surface

Sunset*

So how are we doin’?

Let’s have a brain-to-brain talk,

or, was that a heart-to-heart?

I’m bored, I’m lazy, I’m down.

I’m bluer than blue and grey.

I’m bored, I’m crazy, I’m a frown.

I’m sadder than sad today.

The sun is coming down, any moment it’s goin’ to be dark,

dark all around.

And I feel different and indifferent.

Don’t wanna be lost when the night crawls,

And the rain falls, a stranger calls.

I’m bored, I’m lazy, I’m down.

I’m bluer than blue and grey.

I’m bored, I’m crazy, I’m a frown.

I’m sadder than sad today.

When the sun comes down, and the room is empty,

no one is goin’ to be around.

I took a sip on my coffee

Well I see you lookin’ at me,

And time is running, don’t tell me nothing

Coz I’m about to take a step away

Pride is a game I don’t wanna play,

And time’s running,  so tell me something

Coz it’s frightening to be out here

Waiting for someone

Waiting for you

I’m bored, I’m lazy, I’m down.

I’m bluer than blue and grey.

I’m bored, I’m crazy, I’m a frown.

I’m sadder than sad today.

I see sunset in your eyes you never see,

never said

You’re bored, you’re lazy, you’re down.

You’re bluer than blue and grey.

(Well) I’m bored, I’m crazy, I’m a frown.

I’m sadder than sad today.

Do you see sunset in my eyes? You’ll never do,

only diamonds come runnin’ down.

Letter 62

Dear <Name>,

I wish to tell you something and perhaps, for you, it’s a song you’ve already heard before.

How do I say this?

I’m dreaming about you.

Yes. I want to hold your hand and take you to a place where it’s only you and me left.

I have had my moments and I’m certain, to you, they lead me down to you.

How can it not?

I think I’m crazy about  you.

Yes. I find happiness with you, I find comfort in your touch.

I see you and I’m okay, I hear your voice and I’m musing away.

How is this possible?

Every single day I’m wanting you.

Yes. I want your love, I want your kiss, I want your trust and your sweet caress.

I want the smell of your skin in my nostrils; want your joy, want your happiness.

And I want your aches and pains.

Your words are my calming drugs.

Yes. I have finally come to the answer, and you, you are the missing piece.

I long to make you feel this and perhaps, for you, they are words without meanings.

How do I show you now?

Oh how I need to be next to you.

Yes. I choose you, and these words are fashioned by feelings.

They are my own.

Yes. I’ll say them to you over and over, as long as it’s in me;

As long as it genuinely exists.

Yes. I was a fool to question love, and this time I know..

When hope is so strong, when the leaves dry in a ‘good bye’.

When I close my eyes and my heart screams for you.

I love you -

And this is why I need you.

~Songbird~

For you, there’ll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I’m with you,
It’s alright, I know it’s right

To you, I’ll give the world
To you, I’ll never be cold
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you,
It’s alright, I know it’s right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.

Underneath Your Clothes*

You're a song
Written by the hands of God
Don't get me wrong cause
This might sound to you a bit odd
But you own the place
Where all my thoughts go hiding
And right under your clothes
Is where I find them

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

Because of you
I forgot the smart ways to lie
Because of you
I'm running out of reasons to cry
When the friends are gone
When the party's over
We will still belong to each other

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

I love you more than all that's on the planet
Movin' talkin' walkin' breathing
You know it's true
Oh baby it's so funny
You almost don't believe it
As every voice is hanging from the silence
Lamps are hanging from the ceiling
Like a lady tied to her manners
I'm tied up to this feeling

04.23.2011

You're a man who takes great pride in himself and in his dreams, a man that shows a powerful love and respect for himself and his family. There are many kinds of greatness in the world, but yours - which stems from your strength, courage, wisdom and warmth - makes you an EXCEPTIONAL MAN.

My partner, my friend. It's nice to know we're in this thing together, come rain or shine we're partners to the end. It's you for me and me for you forever, it's so nice to be in love with you.

Happy Anniversary, my love.

ALEXANDER

I'm going to write about you; and even if you're too beautiful for words, I still want to write about you.

Yes you - you make me happy, you make me blue; you make me crazy, you make me want you.

I know it may sound like they're plain 'rhyming words' but like I told you before, I write words that rhyme my thoughts; I search for words that express how I felt.

I hope you know by now and believe it's true, every day I'm falling more and more in love with you.

It's just you, my one and only love, and I'm proud to say we made it through; right here, right now I don't care, I'm staying right beside you.

I want to go dancing in the rain with you, want to go bracing the sun with you; I want to go catch the last flight with you, want to touch your face and whisper 'I love you'.

I long for the day I'd be with you, every minute every hour I think of you; and just so you know.. I'd be right here waiting for you. <3

Out of the Box -

Paul Sheldon - got the name from a movie. I don't know if he's fictional, but he inspired me to write in the middle of the night like a psycho probably would. My brother-in-law keeps asking me about my relationship status; if I ever consider dating others or get attracted to others; if the bond or the love keeps getting stronger between me and Alex; if I ever plan to be together with him forever. You know stuff that I, for the record, know has a hidden agenda. I know they want the best for me, and I know what makes me happy. So at the end of the day, I get to choose what I do with my life and they know that. Whatever they say, whatever happens, I am responsible for my actions and my decisions.

I'm not sure if we're okay so I didn't really know what to say. Yet I managed to say "..we're okay..i think." with hopes that we really are, you know what I'm sayin? But at this point of time I don't know anymore... I try to avoid asking myself the question if this is really worth fighting for. I don't like thinking about the future but when I try I don't see anything. It's like this whole fantasy will never be walled down! I don't like not being there to see him happy, what he does, cheer him up when he's lonely; I can't even do anything to just talk to him or reach out to make up when I did something awful. It's like, ..how can I friggin show him everything I wanna show him when all I could do is come on facebook and tell myself it's okay when it doesn't FEEL okay! :'( I, feel so.. helpless. I don't even know what to write anymore to make him feel how I wanted him to feel or make him see what I saw or imagine what I experienced - it's all falling down on me now and I can't help but cry 'cause I know deep in this stupid heart that it's going to hurt me so bad if I let it go. :'(

Or maybe I'm just scared of getting hurt. Maybe I'm not really scared of losing him. I've lost men in my life several times and it wouldn't be new, right? Men will always have enough power to make any woman cry. You know a lot of people would tell me how I shouldn't be too trusting with my man, they'd even advice me not to settle down. I see people and friends with the same sitch, do it and play stupid games of love. And seriously, I have all the chances in the world to friggin take that in but I just CAN'T DO IT! It's... I don't wanna do it.. There are so many beautiful guys out there in my outer lining, so many of em I can choose to be together with..and yet why don't I ever let em in? It's just not my way of having fun. x( But being together..with someone..it's..crappy sometimes. When you don't agree with one thing, you don't like the same thing and nobody wants to give way, when you have misunderstandings, when you long for that someone to share some talks with but you-just-don't-have-the-fucking-way-to-do-it. How can it work this way?? Can anybody tell me??! x'( God this is so frustrating. Just how?? How is it going to work this way?!

I'm just so confused right now.. :'( so confused I don't know what to do about this. All I know is I had to let it all out otherwise it was gonna kill me. I know I love him.. But I'm not sure if that is even enough. Sometimes it's just not enough...

x'(

My Funny Valentine

I found three little glossy hearts and one butterfly jewelry box today. Both of which were in my gigantic box of old stuff. It suddenly gave me an idea what to write about; and this is something I don’t really feel comfortable with; but looking at those memorabilia somehow made me smile and remember how I have finally accepted the thing called ‘past’.

Ely was my first boyfriend. I was probably 14 years old back then and he was 16. He gave me those three little glossy hearts (colors red, pink and yellow) one Valentine’s Day before we were officially together. It was in a wooden box with his signature in it and a huge heart with a ribbon outside and a small note inside saying how happy I made him feel when he was with me. That wooden box is broken now, but those three little glossy candy hearts flashed me back to that day when he asked my best friend that he wanted to meet me after school; then he stood there stammering in front of me with his little gift while I was anxiously smiling never knowing what to feel. He was always expressive about how he felt for me, and I guess we were both young then. I was his first girlfriend, he was my first boyfriend. The first time I ever felt what they called "the spark" or "chemistry". But like I said, when you're fifteen, there's so much yet to happen.

Jeb was another ex-boyfriend. The one who loved to pity himself "because he's nothing like Ely". They were friends too, from high school. The one who always felt like I'm up there and he was down somewhere. I got the butterfly jewelry box from him for our anniversary and my friends'd be like "What should you put in there? The anniversary necklace Ely gave you? LOL". He was a jealous young man, possessive and crazy. I liked him at first because he was natural, simple and loving; but he's left me too many bad memories that I even forgot the good ones. The first guy who stole everything from me. And then again, just another phase I got over with.

Looking back, I've had hundreds of crushes, but none of them I really got together with (or at least ended up together with). Seriously. I've had several suitors who tried and gave up, some even going beyond rejection; I've had annoying stalkers that got me at my wits end; had millions of love letters coming along: my desk, passed to friends, the class door, or even my own doorstep.. and some I kept and laughed about at present. My friends and other guys questioned me for my being. Am I real? Am I a big joke? What kind of guy do I want? Some girls and boys even wanted to call me a bitch.. 'cause it's either I get em all guys hoping, or I let em all get me. It's funny - because I never really cared about what they thought about. I know the truth about myself and there's no need for me to explain it to them. Besides, none of those filthy mouths were ever able to break me.

So it got me thinking...at the end of the day, it's not all about my standards but 'the spark'... When you see fireworks in one single kiss..when your heart beats thrice as fast.. and just last year I felt that again. I don't wanna talk sweet crap just because he's the man I'm together with right now. Also, I don't wanna end up eating my own words somewhen. And I really hope not, 'cause this guy is different. Never had someone so real like that, very down-to-earth; never been more open to anybody like the way I am to him right now; and never seen fireworks as beautiful as that when he kissed me. Right now, I just wanna embrace what we have; and what we share is something I treasure, it's something important to me.. as fragile as the heart that loves him.. and more precious than any gift I've ever received.

Alexander is his name. My friend and confidant, my German love. My funny Valentine.