My Funny Valentine

I found three little glossy hearts and one butterfly jewelry box today. Both of which were in my gigantic box of old stuff. It suddenly gave me an idea what to write about; and this is something I don’t really feel comfortable with; but looking at those memorabilia somehow made me smile and remember how I have finally accepted the thing called ‘past’.

Ely was my first boyfriend. I was probably 14 years old back then and he was 16. He gave me those three little glossy hearts (colors red, pink and yellow) one Valentine’s Day before we were officially together. It was in a wooden box with his signature in it and a huge heart with a ribbon outside and a small note inside saying how happy I made him feel when he was with me. That wooden box is broken now, but those three little glossy candy hearts flashed me back to that day when he asked my best friend that he wanted to meet me after school; then he stood there stammering in front of me with his little gift while I was anxiously smiling never knowing what to feel. He was always expressive about how he felt for me, and I guess we were both young then. I was his first girlfriend, he was my first boyfriend. The first time I ever felt what they called "the spark" or "chemistry". But like I said, when you're fifteen, there's so much yet to happen.

Jeb was another ex-boyfriend. The one who loved to pity himself "because he's nothing like Ely". They were friends too, from high school. The one who always felt like I'm up there and he was down somewhere. I got the butterfly jewelry box from him for our anniversary and my friends'd be like "What should you put in there? The anniversary necklace Ely gave you? LOL". He was a jealous young man, possessive and crazy. I liked him at first because he was natural, simple and loving; but he's left me too many bad memories that I even forgot the good ones. The first guy who stole everything from me. And then again, just another phase I got over with.

Looking back, I've had hundreds of crushes, but none of them I really got together with (or at least ended up together with). Seriously. I've had several suitors who tried and gave up, some even going beyond rejection; I've had annoying stalkers that got me at my wits end; had millions of love letters coming along: my desk, passed to friends, the class door, or even my own doorstep.. and some I kept and laughed about at present. My friends and other guys questioned me for my being. Am I real? Am I a big joke? What kind of guy do I want? Some girls and boys even wanted to call me a bitch.. 'cause it's either I get em all guys hoping, or I let em all get me. It's funny - because I never really cared about what they thought about. I know the truth about myself and there's no need for me to explain it to them. Besides, none of those filthy mouths were ever able to break me.

So it got me thinking...at the end of the day, it's not all about my standards but 'the spark'... When you see fireworks in one single kiss..when your heart beats thrice as fast.. and just last year I felt that again. I don't wanna talk sweet crap just because he's the man I'm together with right now. Also, I don't wanna end up eating my own words somewhen. And I really hope not, 'cause this guy is different. Never had someone so real like that, very down-to-earth; never been more open to anybody like the way I am to him right now; and never seen fireworks as beautiful as that when he kissed me. Right now, I just wanna embrace what we have; and what we share is something I treasure, it's something important to me.. as fragile as the heart that loves him.. and more precious than any gift I've ever received.

Alexander is his name. My friend and confidant, my German love. My funny Valentine.

When Two Different Worlds Collide

Last night I was talking to my guy and watching him on screen gave me these thoughts: 1. How come I’m together with someone completely different? 2. How come it’s becoming easier to love someone really far from my world? 3. Why do we have to be far from each other? 4. is it possible to actually love another while you’re together with someone? 5. Why does my world stop when I see this guy? Like seriously, he makes it all stop. I’ve been with my guy for almost 8 months now, but why, when we talk, do I have this feeling like it’s my high school crush in front of me? It was never that before we got together. It’s just strange that my feelings for him are getting stronger besides the time and the distance. And what’s stranger is that I’m getting used to him being far away from me, ‘cause even if he is, I still know he’s there loving me. I think the only disturbing fact there is, is that sometimes when you just wanted that someone to be there in front of you, like hold him/her physically, and then you can’t but instead all you can do is hold him/her in your thoughts. Like living in fantasy world. I recall my younger years when I used to talk to God, and then there were times that I just wanted Him here badly...like talk to me, face to face, to make me feel even more that He’s there and that I wasn’t alone in my fight for this friggin life. But what? Nothing. Nothing changes and there’s nothing you can do about it too.

I don't know if I have the right to question love, but why did I have to fall for someone just completely different! Then being together, almost perfect, why do we have to be apart.. I might've found this guy I can give my love to, but there always have to be that wall. Don't I deserve a perfect relationship? Sometimes, we just can't avoid the heaviness inside when you wanted to know one person and show him/her everything but - it's complicated. Not being able to talk to him or even tap him to give him a smile as often as you want to, not being able to tell the stories you wish to share, and not being able to spend quality time together. It's a struggle to try to keep that bond. This is the first 'real' long distance relationship I've had and 4 months of being apart seems like a decade already. I'm not sure how long this is going to be since it's the first time to be with someone 'really really' worlds away..but sometimes I couldn't avoid that feeling of wanting to just give it all up. However, half of me wants to stay to see and fight if it's actually going to work out. And I'd say the feelings I have for him are still stronger than the feeling of wanting to stop. I wish it's that strong enough to keep me alive in the next mornings. (to be continued..)

Omen - October 5-6, 2010

When I tell you that I like you, would you believe that I do?

If my eyes stop seeing you, would you want me to?

My lips can only utter your name, and I can’t seem to repaint your face in my brain.

If I tell you these things, would you doubt if it’s true?

I shed a tear whenever I keep myself strong. It’s a battle between right and wrong.

‘You want me’, that’s what you said. ‘You want to be with me’, your words echo in my head.

When I tell you that I love you, do you believe that I do?

If my heart stops beating for you, will yours stop beating for me too?

My love, you know that it’s you, and these words are all for you.

If I tell you this is true, would you doubt? What would you do?

I keep my calm in thoughts of your arms. I pull my strength from the comfort of your memory.

And this is the last rope, our first fight; a warm hope for a cold night.

When I tell you that I dream of you, would you doubt if I really do?

If my lips stop saying your name, would you think that it was all just a game?

You can look me in the eye and figure out if it’s a lie, but I’d tell you anyway it’s true.

But darling if I tell you I’m falsified, should you walk away, hold me, I might break down and cry.

I remain firm in my stand but the wind’s got my hand, taking me away to another land.

‘Don’t let go’, is what I tell you. ‘Don’t let me go’. It’s a delicate trap.

When I tell you that I’m happy, will you believe that I am?

I’d be lying if I say ‘yes’ but this one is true: You are my happy. So if you’re gone you would know I’d be blue.

You love me, I love you, but the world does not want me to.

My sweet, if one day I start to pull the brakes please shout you don’t want me to. My face may go straight but know it’s what I want to hear from you.

If I ask you to leave, what would you say? But if I try, pull me back. I might step back but note that in that moment all I would want to do is be wrapped around by you.

Darling if one day I tell you I don’t love you, it’ll be suicide, a lie I wish you won’t buy. I might push you away a million times, but kiss me, and know that it’s you I need.

If I let you go one day, would you leave or would you stay?

When time comes that all becomes dreary, will you keep me? Or would you rather set me free?

I can only stop to wait and see. The clock goes tick and tock, one, two and three.

This love has got me coming undone. So let my words sink in, my love, I’ll never be gone.

You know by heart I am with you. Let me breathe the air you do. And if in time I push you away, it’d be a lie if I don’t want you to stay.

If worst comes to worst you’ll never hear me say ‘leave’. For this battle isn’t over as long as we believe.

I’ll be thinking of you tonight, pretending to hug you oh so tight. I’ll grab the chance to dream of you; I’ll brace myself for the love from you.

If it’s wrong to be with you, then I’m happy being wrong. If it’s a gamble to love you, some time ago I raised my bet for you all along.

So if the next morning I’m giving up the fight, just think of what I said tonight. <3

Going the Distance - September 3, 2010

Most of the immediate pitfalls and concerns about long distance relationships will likely scare you off. The perils here include not being able to enjoy what other couples in a “normal” relationship do, having to rely on technology to bridge that distance, and other kinkier bullshit. Then there’s the fear of someone else cheating on you, since you’re out of sight hence out of mind. I believe love requires nurturing, and without being able to do so in a fairly constant basis, means an extraordinary amount of effort to make things work.

As in the movie, it gets you to contemplate whether you’re likely to plunge into something like this, or if you’re already in one – take stock at where you’re at now. Generally, long distance relationships are no easy task. I’ve read: building a new relationship is a whole lot harder than maintaining an existing one. At least good if it was a temporary shift; but getting to know one another across the miles for an unknown period of time is going to eat up a known quantity. As all those who can attest would say: “It’s haaarrd.” You would have to figure out a way to survive those long, difficult months or years.

Recognize that you can’t compare a long distance relationship to one based on physical proximity. But you may be surprised how much a relationship can grow – if you work at it. Anything that can convey what is important in the long-term: your goals, values, and dreams. We all know that companionship and connectedness is often the meat and bones of a relationship – and so the challenge is there to prepare yourself for the absence of his or her warmth, smile, and all the wonders of non-verbal communication. Hard, it is.

Work, time difference, just some of the circles that can lead to worry or anxiety depending on your communication needs and limits. These things will eventually escort you to freaking out. That’s why it’s important that you discuss and define your expectations in advance. Be flexible. And most importantly: meet in the middle. It’s likely that one partner will need more communication than the other. With visits, you could try alternate who visits whom and then again consider “meeting in the middle” on occasion. If this may also help: Keep in mind that the tensions that arise now are opportunities to strengthen your relationship for the future.

For first-timers, it might seem like the high school type of relationship: innocent, clueless, and obscure. Either way, the goal is normal relationship, up to finding out whether that initial affection felt will be sufficient to sustain a commitment after the novelty wears off. Dealing when dissatisfaction comes at the lack of intimacy and of course the nagging thought that you may just meet someone better whom you will be happier with than in your current state. And, even with the benefits of modern technology like texting and Skyping, that physical distance still manages to translate into emotional distance. A large part of being together is staying together…even if part of the excitement maybe is not knowing where you’ll end up a few years later.

It isn’t at all easy, but no matter the nagging doubts, it’s still something you won’t give up without a fight.

Untitled II - July 22, 2010

We walked slowly on a straight path to his warehouse. I could feel the icy cold grass brushing my feet. Near the pavement he would reach for a beautiful white flower (Calachuchi) and hand it to me. My man, so full of simplicity, and such small sweet things I’m content with. I thought, “I would miss this place when he’s gone.” I would miss our laughter and “violence” together; I would miss the Calachuchi times; and I would definitely miss the girl that I am when I’m with him.

How can I not need him? I have learned to live my life beside him now. Without him, I’m back to my doom. He was the only one who stayed, even if I bored him, even if I’m lame, even if we’re so much the opposite. This is the kind of person who gained my trust just by being the man that he is; the kind of person worth holding on to. So just tell me how am I supposed to begin my days without him?

He held my hand slowly and looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes. I could feel my heart beating fast. Just looking at those eyes, I feel warmth. Just feeling his touch, I feel security. My man, so tender and loving, I could stay this way forever. I thought, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have the power to stop the hands of time.” I miss him when we’re together, how much more later?

How can I not cry? I’m overwhelmed with so much happiness being together with a guy who’s beautiful inside and out. All those times I waited, and after a few passers-by, he came. And he’s finally here. I never thought it would be him, but I couldn’t ask for anyone else. How can I not cry? When he leaves and we’re apart I would miss him. I would miss the way he would caress my hair, touch my lips and hold me in his arms. I would miss hearing his loud voice, his humming (like the way he always would), his trying-hard-cooking (how sexy of a man who can cook), his cheers (when I’m in no good mood)… You see, I would miss everything we did and had together. So please, tell me, how do I start driving this road alone?