Omen - October 5-6, 2010

When I tell you that I like you, would you believe that I do?

If my eyes stop seeing you, would you want me to?

My lips can only utter your name, and I can’t seem to repaint your face in my brain.

If I tell you these things, would you doubt if it’s true?

I shed a tear whenever I keep myself strong. It’s a battle between right and wrong.

‘You want me’, that’s what you said. ‘You want to be with me’, your words echo in my head.

When I tell you that I love you, do you believe that I do?

If my heart stops beating for you, will yours stop beating for me too?

My love, you know that it’s you, and these words are all for you.

If I tell you this is true, would you doubt? What would you do?

I keep my calm in thoughts of your arms. I pull my strength from the comfort of your memory.

And this is the last rope, our first fight; a warm hope for a cold night.

When I tell you that I dream of you, would you doubt if I really do?

If my lips stop saying your name, would you think that it was all just a game?

You can look me in the eye and figure out if it’s a lie, but I’d tell you anyway it’s true.

But darling if I tell you I’m falsified, should you walk away, hold me, I might break down and cry.

I remain firm in my stand but the wind’s got my hand, taking me away to another land.

‘Don’t let go’, is what I tell you. ‘Don’t let me go’. It’s a delicate trap.

When I tell you that I’m happy, will you believe that I am?

I’d be lying if I say ‘yes’ but this one is true: You are my happy. So if you’re gone you would know I’d be blue.

You love me, I love you, but the world does not want me to.

My sweet, if one day I start to pull the brakes please shout you don’t want me to. My face may go straight but know it’s what I want to hear from you.

If I ask you to leave, what would you say? But if I try, pull me back. I might step back but note that in that moment all I would want to do is be wrapped around by you.

Darling if one day I tell you I don’t love you, it’ll be suicide, a lie I wish you won’t buy. I might push you away a million times, but kiss me, and know that it’s you I need.

If I let you go one day, would you leave or would you stay?

When time comes that all becomes dreary, will you keep me? Or would you rather set me free?

I can only stop to wait and see. The clock goes tick and tock, one, two and three.

This love has got me coming undone. So let my words sink in, my love, I’ll never be gone.

You know by heart I am with you. Let me breathe the air you do. And if in time I push you away, it’d be a lie if I don’t want you to stay.

If worst comes to worst you’ll never hear me say ‘leave’. For this battle isn’t over as long as we believe.

I’ll be thinking of you tonight, pretending to hug you oh so tight. I’ll grab the chance to dream of you; I’ll brace myself for the love from you.

If it’s wrong to be with you, then I’m happy being wrong. If it’s a gamble to love you, some time ago I raised my bet for you all along.

So if the next morning I’m giving up the fight, just think of what I said tonight. <3

Going the Distance - September 3, 2010

Most of the immediate pitfalls and concerns about long distance relationships will likely scare you off. The perils here include not being able to enjoy what other couples in a “normal” relationship do, having to rely on technology to bridge that distance, and other kinkier bullshit. Then there’s the fear of someone else cheating on you, since you’re out of sight hence out of mind. I believe love requires nurturing, and without being able to do so in a fairly constant basis, means an extraordinary amount of effort to make things work.

As in the movie, it gets you to contemplate whether you’re likely to plunge into something like this, or if you’re already in one – take stock at where you’re at now. Generally, long distance relationships are no easy task. I’ve read: building a new relationship is a whole lot harder than maintaining an existing one. At least good if it was a temporary shift; but getting to know one another across the miles for an unknown period of time is going to eat up a known quantity. As all those who can attest would say: “It’s haaarrd.” You would have to figure out a way to survive those long, difficult months or years.

Recognize that you can’t compare a long distance relationship to one based on physical proximity. But you may be surprised how much a relationship can grow – if you work at it. Anything that can convey what is important in the long-term: your goals, values, and dreams. We all know that companionship and connectedness is often the meat and bones of a relationship – and so the challenge is there to prepare yourself for the absence of his or her warmth, smile, and all the wonders of non-verbal communication. Hard, it is.

Work, time difference, just some of the circles that can lead to worry or anxiety depending on your communication needs and limits. These things will eventually escort you to freaking out. That’s why it’s important that you discuss and define your expectations in advance. Be flexible. And most importantly: meet in the middle. It’s likely that one partner will need more communication than the other. With visits, you could try alternate who visits whom and then again consider “meeting in the middle” on occasion. If this may also help: Keep in mind that the tensions that arise now are opportunities to strengthen your relationship for the future.

For first-timers, it might seem like the high school type of relationship: innocent, clueless, and obscure. Either way, the goal is normal relationship, up to finding out whether that initial affection felt will be sufficient to sustain a commitment after the novelty wears off. Dealing when dissatisfaction comes at the lack of intimacy and of course the nagging thought that you may just meet someone better whom you will be happier with than in your current state. And, even with the benefits of modern technology like texting and Skyping, that physical distance still manages to translate into emotional distance. A large part of being together is staying together…even if part of the excitement maybe is not knowing where you’ll end up a few years later.

It isn’t at all easy, but no matter the nagging doubts, it’s still something you won’t give up without a fight.

Untitled II - July 22, 2010

We walked slowly on a straight path to his warehouse. I could feel the icy cold grass brushing my feet. Near the pavement he would reach for a beautiful white flower (Calachuchi) and hand it to me. My man, so full of simplicity, and such small sweet things I’m content with. I thought, “I would miss this place when he’s gone.” I would miss our laughter and “violence” together; I would miss the Calachuchi times; and I would definitely miss the girl that I am when I’m with him.

How can I not need him? I have learned to live my life beside him now. Without him, I’m back to my doom. He was the only one who stayed, even if I bored him, even if I’m lame, even if we’re so much the opposite. This is the kind of person who gained my trust just by being the man that he is; the kind of person worth holding on to. So just tell me how am I supposed to begin my days without him?

He held my hand slowly and looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes. I could feel my heart beating fast. Just looking at those eyes, I feel warmth. Just feeling his touch, I feel security. My man, so tender and loving, I could stay this way forever. I thought, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have the power to stop the hands of time.” I miss him when we’re together, how much more later?

How can I not cry? I’m overwhelmed with so much happiness being together with a guy who’s beautiful inside and out. All those times I waited, and after a few passers-by, he came. And he’s finally here. I never thought it would be him, but I couldn’t ask for anyone else. How can I not cry? When he leaves and we’re apart I would miss him. I would miss the way he would caress my hair, touch my lips and hold me in his arms. I would miss hearing his loud voice, his humming (like the way he always would), his trying-hard-cooking (how sexy of a man who can cook), his cheers (when I’m in no good mood)… You see, I would miss everything we did and had together. So please, tell me, how do I start driving this road alone?

Untitled I - July 19, 2010

I was staring at him through the darkness. There was silence and somehow he couldn’t see the tears falling from my eyes. For the first time in my life I cried in front of the man I love, not because of anything but because I felt the urge to let out the feelings I have for him. There I hugged him tightly and never would’ve wanted to let go. We were reminded of the very limited time we will be together. It’s something we can’t control. The saddest part is when you need to try to move on to another phase, a phase where he may not be a part of. It’s funny how you have so much love in your heart but you can’t let it grow. All you can do is hold on to what you have and hope it works.

He’s leaving, he’s really leaving. I knew that, but why does it feel like I never did? In the last three months I shared my life with this someone, shared even the deepest depths… He was the only one who bothered to listen, cared to laugh at my silliest jokes and read some of my stupid texts. He was the only one who took time to look into my world and appreciate my nonsense. Tell me, how can I not miss him?

I had mixed feelings when he stared back at me blankly. I didn’t know what he was thinking and all I know was that I wanted him to know how I felt. He smiled and I saw love in his eyes, felt love in his kiss, and I knew right there the first time I saw through those blue eyes… he loves me. And I love him. For me, that’s enough to keep us together.

Amidst the darkness and my fighting back tears, he knew I was crying silently. In that moment, there’s nothing else in this world that could’ve made me feel better than being held in those arms. I didn’t want him to promise anything, nor did I want him to say a word of reassurance. I never wanted anything but his love from the very start. And it’s true I found it in him. He’s all I need… not his words, not his gifts. And I’m happy he never held back from showering me with his love. He was always there for me, my friend, my lover, my confidant. He picked me up just right on time. Tell me again, how can I not love him?

I am in love. And I’m not ashamed to say that my hopes are growing stronger. I know, I’ve never loved this way before, and even I cannot answer my own questions. Why him? Why me? Why have I turned this way? I used to go with the flow and keep my feelings inside me; used to let the love go when the other says so; used to let pride get in the way… I used to pretend I’m too strong to be impaired. Now it’s like I can fall from a cliff freely, facing the smashing hit of the waves below, embracing hurt coz you know it was worth the risk. Now it’s like I can just cry in front of him and talk about feelings. It was never easy to swallow my pride before…but with him, I can just be me, I can humble myself down and let him win…all these without hesitations… The love he gives is unbelievable, as big as his heart, as genuine as his soul… I don’t know how I can describe the person that he is; he’s just too different, so light like a feather, too beautiful for words. I’m just lucky to be loved by him and to love someone like him.

No Fairytale - June 20, 2010

When I was young, I’ve always dreamt about becoming a star. Growing up I learned to accept the fact that I practically can never be one. I am my own star, but becoming one of the worlds’ brightest wasn’t meant for me. It’s like everyone seemed to like it, and for me I can just be happy alone in the stage performing for myself. And I don’t need people to watch me.

When you’re young you go beyond imagination…it’s later that you realize you’re actually standing in the pavement of impossibility. You’re free to look up and think about it over and over again…but in the real world of realists you are obliged to face the real deal and that is – to walk the road in front of you. Unless you’re a politician, a businessman or someone from the showbiz, you don’t have a choice.

Back then I used to believe that every love has its own fairytale. If you don’t have it, it will come to you in time like your knight in shining armor. I used to believe that in every relationship there’d be ups and downs but at the end of the day it’s happily ever after. It’s only now that I’m realizing that ‘fairytale’ does not exist at all. It’s a word made up by man himself…something created to entertain the minds of the young dreamers…a product of imagination. And in the real world there is no such thing as fairytale. So when I think how my life used to be, I feel much better staying there than in my sad reality.

I used to think that love is a powerful word…it still is probably…depending on how true it is. But I don’t think love is enough reason for a happy ending. Love can be present even without a happy ending, but then again happy endings are fairytales…they don’t exist in the real world. The real world consists of beautiful sceneries and material things, wonderful manly activities and mandatory routines, people and senseless responsibilities…it revolves in one huge cycle. If only the real world is one big fairytale, it could’ve been happier.

But who says the world is about being happy anyway? The world is not going to mourn if one person is unhappy. I think every human being has a life to live and he decides how he wants to live it. The only sad fact is – I want to live in my fairytale – and I simply cannot do that. No matter how I try to dribble, it’s never going to change anything. I still am in the real world where fate decides and I don’t. Life is not a fairytale. What seemed to be wonderful in your eyes before may not be as amazing now; what seemed to be beautiful in your senses before may not be as striking now; what appeared to be real in your judgment before may not be as genuine as you thought it was…

You will need to look into yourself and reflect why slowly you’re waking up into this kind of realizations. Based on observations, experience, facts, or even predictions and forecasted situations…I can never tell…but I guess it’s better to understand the real game since I’m forced to play it. I can’t escape from life – that’s one thing. Whatever you do, wherever you go, whoever you love, whenever everything’s perfect…the world is still going to hurt you. Every story has an end though, you can’t run away from that, but the cycle will repeat itself. So there, you really can’t have the best of both worlds. And it can even get more complicated.